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Prepared For Takeoff

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Aug. 2nd, 2012 | 12:36 am

This theatrical monologue may be listened to here.
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KATY:

Our flight is very full, today, ladies and gentlemen, so please think twice about that carry-on—if there’s anything you can check, please bring it to the forward door of the aircraft and we will be happy to check it for you. If you do have carry-on items, please use the space underneath the seat in front of you before choosing the overhead compartments.

Or not.

The captain has just informed me that we have a ten-minute takeoff window available to us if we all sit down and stow our carry-ons right now. The next open take-off time is in approximately three hours and forty-six minutes, so we are going to ask that at this time you take your seats and make sure all carry-on luggage is securely stowed.

Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to check that. No, I’m afraid it clearly does not fit into the overhead compartment. Sir, your Business Class ticket does not entitle you to an entire overhead compartment. Sir, I’m afraid I can’t ask them to do that. Yes, I know you paid more than they did, but you do get a slightly wider seat and— I’m going to have to ask you to return to Business Class, Sir. Give me the bag! Drop it! Drop it! Now, sit!

Ahem.

Welcome to Northwest flight 19 with direct service from Minneapolis to Tokyo Narita. If you’re in First Class, your attendant is Greta, if you’re in Business Class, that’s Naoko, and here in Economy, that’s Susie back by row 28, and I’m your crew leader, Katy.

Our flight today will take approximately twelve hours and fifteen minutes. We will be showing one movie you’ve never heard of, subtitled in Korean, Bengali and Urdu, and one you’ve already seen along with an assortment of Seinfield re-runs, which you may listen to with the complimentary headphones provided by Northwest.

          [sound of call buttons]

If you cannot find your headphones, please check underneath you, as Greta, Naoko, Susie, and I spent one hour and twenty minutes preparing this aircraft before your arrival, including placing a set of headphones on every seat.

Yes, I thought so.

Now, I’m going to ask that you put down your newspapers, books, magazines, and knitting, take out the information card from the seat pocket in front of you, and follow along as we detail the safety features of this Boeing 757.

All of you.

Now.

32-B, just because you’re in the middle doesn’t mean I can’t see you!

That’s better.

There are eight emergency exits on this aircraft. Please take a moment to locate the exit nearest you, remembering that the closest exit may be behind you.

The closest exit may be behind you.

I do not see heads turning!

In the event the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Place the mask over your mouth and nose, secure by pulling on the straps, and breathe normally. If you’re traveling with small children, secure your own mask first and let the little beggars fend for themselves.

In the unlikely event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device.

Did you know that no commercial aircraft has ever made a water landing in one piece? That means the chances you’ll use your seat cushion are, well, none. However, if you do survive the impact—which is about the same as hitting a concrete parking lot—there may be a seat cushion floating near you. Place your arms through the straps and kick-paddle kick-paddle your way to shore. Which should only be about four hundred miles. In the event you reach the afterlife of your choice, there will be an entrance quiz on the safety features of this aircraft.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid the captain has just informed me that we have indeed missed the take-off window and we are now fifty-seventh in line for takeoff. Since we have pulled away from the terminal, we are going to ask that all passengers remain seated, with their seatbelts firmly fastened, for the approximately three hours and forty-one minutes remaining to takeoff. We’ll be distributing cookies, juice, and water, to only the passengers who can correctly identify the flight attendant serving them. People with more than one carry-on, children with video games that beep, and men who ask me if I want to join the Mile High Club will get nothing.

Thank you for flying with Northwest Airlines, and let me say that I’m especially pleased to be sharing this, my very last flight with Northwest, with such a lovely group of passengers. I will not be returning to Minneapolis with you, but instead will be joining the White Path Temple in Shiga Prefecture to begin my studies as a Buddhist nun.

Please remember, my vow of non-violence does not begin until we land in Tokyo.

Enjoy your flight!


___________________________________
whipchick is only 5000 miles from Platinum!



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Comments {20}

Myrna

(no subject)

from: myrna_bird
date: Aug. 7th, 2012 09:51 pm (UTC)
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I have flown airlines when the attendents crack jokes and make with the funnies. It adds to a more relaxed trip. OTOH I don't think I'd be too pleased with the hours waiting on the tarmac but your point is well taken. I love your humor in this and you will be platinum in no time, the way you get to travel so much! :)

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Aug. 14th, 2012 08:43 pm (UTC)
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Thanks! I was inspired by a Southwest attendant to write this on, though I am normally a Delta girl :) I'm hoping to make platinum this year, fingers crossed!

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Myrna

(no subject)

from: myrna_bird
date: Aug. 15th, 2012 12:53 am (UTC)
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Southwest is known for the fun flight, I think. I used to go to Manchester NH to go to San Antonio on SWA but now it is cheaper to fly from Portland so I go Delta or US air. SWA is merging with AirTran though. Maybe they will fly to SA!!!
Good luck on the platinum quest !

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blahblahblah, whatever

(no subject)

from: kathrynrose
date: Aug. 8th, 2012 03:07 am (UTC)
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LOL I had missed this one. I've been on that flight!

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Aug. 14th, 2012 08:44 pm (UTC)
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SO MANY TIMES...

Last week we landed in, shit, Minneapolis? Orlando? Can't remember where, but the jetway battery had run down, and they kept inching the jetway towards the plane, then having it stop and have to plug it in to recharge, then inching it towards us again, while we all stood in the aisle and they couldn't open the door yet! My partner and I were joking that we could probably hold onto the jetway edge and the plane while people rolled over us to safety.

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With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

(no subject)

from: lilycobalt
date: Aug. 8th, 2012 08:08 pm (UTC)
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This is amazing! Oh, air travel is such a ridiculous thing!

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Aug. 14th, 2012 08:45 pm (UTC)
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Thanks! And yes :)

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alycewilson

(no subject)

from: alycewilson
date: Aug. 8th, 2012 09:22 pm (UTC)
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Very well done. Seriously, have you ever considered doing an album?

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Aug. 14th, 2012 08:45 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! You make me think about it - I have been asked to do other people's audiobooks, and maybe a short story collection on CD would be fun to do!

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alycewilson

(no subject)

from: alycewilson
date: Aug. 14th, 2012 08:50 pm (UTC)
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We're on vacation. On the way, I was listening to Laurie Anderson and Meryn Caddell because of this piece.

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notodette

(no subject)

from: notodette
date: Aug. 9th, 2012 02:52 am (UTC)
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Haha, cute!

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Aug. 14th, 2012 08:45 pm (UTC)
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Thank you!

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Laura, aka "Ro Arwen"

(no subject)

from: roina_arwen
date: Aug. 12th, 2012 03:23 am (UTC)
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I've not heard of a "take-off window" before but otherwise this was made of win!

This line especially amused me: In the event you reach the afterlife of your choice, there will be an entrance quiz on the safety features of this aircraft.

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Aug. 14th, 2012 08:46 pm (UTC)
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Thanks :)

I don't know if it's an Americanism or not, but I've heard "take-off window" on a couple of flights - might be a regional thing?

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Laura, aka "Ro Arwen"

(no subject)

from: roina_arwen
date: Aug. 14th, 2012 08:57 pm (UTC)
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It might be! I guess I haven't heard of it in the sense of "if you miss this window, it'll be another four hours before we can squeeze you back in" sort of thing. :)

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(Deleted comment)

whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Aug. 14th, 2012 08:46 pm (UTC)
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I loved reading it - it was like we were intersecting! Great minds think alike (and fools never differ :) )

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Lose 10 Pounds of Ugly Fat...  Cut Off Your Head.

(no subject)

from: n3m3sis42
date: Aug. 13th, 2012 02:06 pm (UTC)
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Hahaha, this is an interesting contrast to milk_and_glass's flight attendant piece. :)

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Aug. 14th, 2012 08:47 pm (UTC)
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Thanks! Yeah, I loved that we took such different perspectives, and yet we both did Asian flight attendants!

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This really yours?

from: anonymous
date: Feb. 25th, 2013 06:44 pm (UTC)
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I did this monologue in high school (6 years ago) from a monologue book for teens. It was entitled something different than the title you put and was written by someone with the last name Williams. You posted this in 2012, did you actually write it? I am trying to find the original.

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whipchick

Re: This really yours?

from: whipchick
date: Feb. 25th, 2013 09:06 pm (UTC)
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Yes, this is me :)

I'm Allison Williams, and you can order the original script for TRUE STORY at this link -

http://angelsintheair.com/company/bios/Isabella/truestory/

You can also hear other monologues I've written at -

http://idowords.net/writer/listen/

Glad you liked the play!

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