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The Practical Mommy

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Nov. 14th, 2011 | 07:50 pm

Hellllooooooo Mummies, Mommies, Mamas and Mums! This week, the Practical Mommy is writing from the Hamptons, where a Special Mommy Friend has asked us to stay and share a nanny!
 
As you may well guess, this allows the Practical Mommy to reassign time from Refereeing and Bathing to the more subtle art of Reflection, and from this lovely, rather Zen place, she would like to set forth This Week’s Parenting Tips: As Inspired By The Tiger Mother.
 
Now, how many of us have read Chinese Mother Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother and thought, No play dates? Who the fuck is she kidding? When does she shower? After all, hosting a play date is the infinite penance one endures for the equally intense, transporting joy of dropping off the Darling Children for a play date at Someone Else’s House!
 
But the Practical Mommy urges us all to reconsider the Chinese Way, and think of how we might implement some Tiger Mother Methods in our own little non-Chinese families.

 
1) Children are seen and not heard.
 
Like the Practical Mommy, you probably took the advice of a well-meaning friend, yoga teacher, or OB-GYN and held back from all but the teensiest sip of champagne on New Year’s Eve during our ‘delicate condition’, or as the French call it, “la grossesse” (and after peeing uncontrollably from a fetus-crowded bladder while in Frozen Foods at the Co-op, we think the French have put le finger on it). But it’s not too late to achieve in your child the quiet, docile personality normally associated with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome!
 
Simply add a half-jigger (or less—no need to pour like it’s the White Party) of Baby’s favorite tipple to the bottle, and it’s naptime in no time! If formula is your mixer, try rum or whiskey; for breast milk, vodka will cut the sweetness a bit—it’s never too early to help Baby develop a sophisticated palate.
 
Practical Mommy Tip of the Week: Avoid gin, as it can create sensitivity to juniper berries if introduced before 18 months.
 

2) It’s never too early to plan their education.
 
Of course, nothing helps your child get into a good school like endowing a library. But if someone’s husband invested with Bernie Madoff (and I’m not naming any names, but his initials are M-R-P-R-A-C-T-I-C-A-L-M-O-M-M-Y) and lost most of the trust fund in spite of your repeated questioning that was dismissed as “hormonal ranting”, you can use the second-best strategy. That’s right: Being Asian.
 
Some sort of research shows that Asians get better grades, probably from years of studying instead of eating while the Practical Mommy ate her vegetables and remembered the starving children in China. Where are those starving children now? Harvard. So how does the Practical Mommy get Little Paleface into a good preschool, let alone Yale or, if we end up scraping the barrel, Dartmouth?
 
Tanning.
 
Cut out that over-protective sunscreen and let Baby develop a hue that will let you check “Hispanic” or at least “Other”, and watch the admissions offers roll in! And join the Genealogical Society. It may take two trips to Utah, but you're sure to find that great-great-great from the "wrong" side of the Crusades in the branch-tips of your family tree.
 
Practical Mommy Tip of the Week: Reserve the Majestic Suite at the Hotel Monaco Salt Lake City at least six weeks in advance for best availability.
 

3) Remember that Mommy needs time, too.
 
Children are naturally little narcissists who have to be taught to think of others, starting with Mommy. Rather than spending your valuable Me Time baby-proofing the house, house-proof the baby! A sock on each hand pulled snugly to the wrist and secured with zip-ties will stop Little Darling getting into cupboards, drawers, jewelry and of course, shoes.
 
Practical Mommy Tip of the Week: Use safety scissors when cutting off zip-ties, to protect Baby’s delicate skin.
 
If you find yourself overwhelmed with the joyful drudgery of child-caring, remember to ask for help. If you let the right people know that you may be an alcoholic with the weensiest bit of a crack—well, “habit” sounds like you’re a problem like Maria, let’s call it a crack hobby, that you dabble in—Family Services will swoop in and provide babysitting for a month or two, long enough to get to St. Kitts! And with the holiday season upon us, you’ll save a small fortune on presents—put it in Baby’s college fund and growl like a Tiger Mother!
 
Next Week: “Is this your baby? Then how the hell do you know why she’s crying? Are you a Baby Psychic? Shut up!” The Practical Mommy on responding to criticism.
 



[info]whipchick loves children. They're delicious.

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Comments {65}

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imafarmgirl

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from: imafarmgirl
date: Nov. 15th, 2011 01:00 am (UTC)
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lol. This was funny.

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whipchick

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from: whipchick
date: Nov. 16th, 2011 05:10 pm (UTC)
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Thanks, that's what I was shooting for!

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(no subject)

from: whirlgig
date: Nov. 15th, 2011 01:15 am (UTC)
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Just the right mix of comedy and OMG did she really just say that?

I loved this. Favourite lines:
Where are those starving children now? Harvard.
If you let the right people know that you may be an alcoholic with the weensiest bit of a crack—well, “habit” sounds like you’re a problem like Maria, let’s call it a crack hobby, that you dabble in—Family Services will swoop in and provide babysitting for a month or two, long enough to get to St. Kitts!
s the French call it, “la grossesse” (and let me say, after peeing uncontrollably from a fetus-crowded bladder while in Frozen Foods at the Co-op, I think the French have put le finger on it). But it’s not too late to achieve in your child the quiet, docile personality normally associated with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome!

Laughed the whole way through. Thank you, thank you for writing this.

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whipchick

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from: whipchick
date: Nov. 17th, 2011 01:07 am (UTC)
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Awesome - glad to hear it worked! I was worried about getting flack from angry moms :) You're welcome. Thanks for also being awesome - I truly look forward to reading your entries each week.

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rt_sparrow

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from: rt_sparrow
date: Nov. 15th, 2011 01:34 am (UTC)
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This is hilarious! Also wrong. But hilarious! And wrong wrong wrong.

*snicker*

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whipchick

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from: whipchick
date: Nov. 17th, 2011 01:07 am (UTC)
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Wrong is my favorite kind of humor :) Thanks!

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tigrkittn

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from: tigrkittn
date: Nov. 15th, 2011 03:18 am (UTC)
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*gigglesnickers!!*

You're one of my new favorite people. This is priceless.

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whipchick

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from: whipchick
date: Nov. 17th, 2011 01:08 am (UTC)
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Thank you! I'm so sorry I didn't end up crossing paths with you in NC - things got extremely crazy and my friend's move out of her boyfriend's place did not go as smoothly as we all hoped, but all is much better now. Hope to catch you down the road :) How was the interview?

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Jemima Pauler

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from: jem0000000
date: Nov. 15th, 2011 03:43 am (UTC)
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Lol! I love your italicized note at the end; that just sums it all up nicely.

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whipchick

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from: whipchick
date: Nov. 17th, 2011 01:08 am (UTC)
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Hee, hee, hee :)

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It's a Pen Name

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from: pen_name
date: Nov. 15th, 2011 06:09 am (UTC)
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they are indeed, delicious.

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Nov. 17th, 2011 01:08 am (UTC)
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I have the heart of a child...in a jar in my basement.

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Vice Captain of the Universe

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from: sweeny_todd
date: Nov. 15th, 2011 10:47 am (UTC)
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*grin*

this was good!

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Nov. 17th, 2011 01:09 am (UTC)
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked! Trotting over to yours - I'm hoping to get to S tonight...

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Holly

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from: minnesattva
date: Nov. 15th, 2011 11:45 am (UTC)
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This is brilliant. When I got to "tanning" I actually covered my face in horror even as I was laughing.

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whipchick

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from: whipchick
date: Nov. 17th, 2011 01:09 am (UTC)
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THANK YOU! That is exactly the reaction I'm looking for :)

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the middle of the road's fine with no cars around

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from: noodledays
date: Nov. 15th, 2011 07:34 pm (UTC)
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hahaha, this made me chuckle more than once. and I loved the bit about the Hotel Monaco - yay for area landmarks that I know. ;D

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whipchick

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from: whipchick
date: Nov. 17th, 2011 01:10 am (UTC)
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Awesome! I picked it because I once lucked out and got a Kimpton hotel for what I could afford, in DC, but I've only ever flown through SLC :) Thanks!

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dblicher

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from: dblicher
date: Nov. 15th, 2011 08:03 pm (UTC)
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ROTFLMAO!! If only you'd written this before I adopted! I love the chirpy tone, the precise language, the crisp format, and of course the priceless sick thinking behind it all. You can come visit my Little Darlings any time. :-)

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whipchick

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from: whipchick
date: Nov. 17th, 2011 01:11 am (UTC)
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I love you and your rah-rah :) I'm still keeping up with your blog - it's always neat to hear what happens next! Have you thought about doing a magazine column?

Thanks for the awesome compliments - I appreciate your eye, that you get what I'm going for :)

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similiesslip

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from: similiesslip
date: Nov. 15th, 2011 11:49 pm (UTC)
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LOL. This was SO funny (and wrong) but still..I like how it makes fun of how many moms overthink EVERYTHING and come to wrong conclusions.

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whipchick

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from: whipchick
date: Nov. 17th, 2011 01:11 am (UTC)
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Thanks! I'll never be a parent, and I suspect that's for the best...

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Yelizaveta

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from: majesticarky
date: Nov. 16th, 2011 12:01 am (UTC)
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Oh yeah I read that Tiger Mother article and I found it kind of atrocious but... She was introducing a really novel kind of parenting that people weren't used to. I think a lot of people disagreed but I don't think she really cared. I like your parenting tips better. Lol

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whipchick

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from: whipchick
date: Nov. 17th, 2011 01:12 am (UTC)
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I'm starting on her actual book - it's interesting, because the book talks about how her kids eventually rebelled, and she rethought her parenting, and I don't think that comes across in a lot of the articles and reviews.

Thanks!

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lady qa qa

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from: qa
date: Nov. 16th, 2011 12:15 am (UTC)
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lol this was hilarious. Good job!

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whipchick

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from: whipchick
date: Nov. 17th, 2011 01:13 am (UTC)
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Glad you liked! I'm still mulling over your quote from Julie&Julia :)

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Bonnie

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from: bonnie_rocks
date: Nov. 16th, 2011 12:40 am (UTC)
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::Giggles:: This is hilarious!!!!

~*::Meow::*~

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Nov. 17th, 2011 01:13 am (UTC)
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked it! I wanted to change styles this week :)

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shimmerdream

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from: shimmerdream
date: Nov. 16th, 2011 01:03 am (UTC)
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LOL, this was hilarious - I loved it.

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whipchick

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from: whipchick
date: Nov. 17th, 2011 01:13 am (UTC)
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Thanks :) I had a great time writing something different this week!

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