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Give 'Em Hell

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Jun. 10th, 2013 | 08:47 pm

Well, it’s my job to brief you, and I’m not happy about it, but I’m going to do my job. We’re all gonna do our jobs, and we’re counting on you for everything else. This is what you spent four years preparing for. This is why you never limited yourself. And now—with a volcanic asteroid headed directly for Earth—you’re the one we need.

A Liberal Arts Major.

I don’t know what the big guy sees in you, but he’s been doing this a long time. And I guess the way you handled the “Pro” side in “Resolved: That marijuana should be legalized at a federal level” at the Debate Club Regional Quarterfinals really got to him.

Now some people might say the Debate Club’s for pansies.

I’m one of ‘em.

But then I saw the way you made it through the midfield—past my own son—in that lacrosse game against State your junior year, and I knew you had a bright future ahead of you.

Just never thought it would be all our futures.

Sure, maybe some “astronaut” could pilot an F15 fighter jet at supersonic speed, using a sonic boom to nudge the asteroid to another trajectory as it enters our troposphere. Or some “scientist” might be able to analyze the core of the volcano ready to erupt on that asteroid, write a missile control program to deliver a depth charge, and burst the magma chamber harmlessly before it breaches the mesopause. But what we really need is someone with a conversational level of Central American Spanish, two semesters of Critical Thought and Analysis, and the ability to swing a ball peen hammer at a Habitat for Humanity Spring Break Build-a-Thon.

We need you. And your liberal arts degree.

We’ve got a lot of smart men and women in this building—geoscientists, microbiologists, programmers who can write code in sixteen languages, high-ranking military officers. But it wasn’t enough to spend their lives narrowly focused on one subject, studying every aspect of their field, from high school double-enrollment to pre-graduate research, from humble assistantships at Ivy League schools to their own distinguished professorial positions at other Ivy League schools.

Tenure wasn’t enough.

We don’t need another Harvard doctoral physics candidate. We need someone who can distinguish between ‘transgender,’ ‘transsexual,’ and ‘transvestite,’ and has surveyed the relevant literature in each category. Someone who’s taken Symbolic Logic as a math class. Someone who isn’t afraid to wear a plastic trash bag and carry an ‘End Homelessness Now’ sign to the Spring Fling.

I have to admit I was impressed by your 76-page Senior Independent Thesis, in French, on Moroccan-Francophone rap music in the Paris banlieues. Nice glossary.

We’re all ready for action. Back there you’ve got a room full of computers. That telescope is focused on the coordinates where the asteroid will appear at oh-eight-hundred. This phone rings directly to the President. And these pens are color coded to match these folders.

I don’t know what you’re ready for. But you spent $46,000 preparing for it, so I hope it’s enough to save the world.

Give ‘em hell.
 

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Comments {43}

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Vice Captain of the Universe

(no subject)

from: sweeny_todd
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 01:01 am (UTC)
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This had me snickering. I really hope that was the intent! ^_^

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 01:06 am (UTC)
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Totally! Thanks :)

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Pyraxis

(no subject)

from: pyraxis
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 01:29 am (UTC)
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LOL!!!

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 07:31 pm (UTC)
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Thank you :)

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With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

(no subject)

from: lilycobalt
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 01:42 am (UTC)
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Hahahaha. I enjoyed the heavy overlay of skepticism in the speaker's voice, because, after all, I highly doubt anyone will say those things if everything is going to hell. But why not take the risk?

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 07:31 pm (UTC)
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Thank you :)

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blahblahblah, whatever

(no subject)

from: kathrynrose
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 02:37 am (UTC)
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Definitely lighter. :)

I loved the ball peen hammer. Who doesn't love a good ball peen hammer?

I also laughed at the 76 page Senior independent thesis, because I know that guy. :)

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 07:31 pm (UTC)
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It's actually M.A.'s thesis!

I went back and forth between "ball peen hammer" and "pneumatic nail gun".

Glad you thought it improved!

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Yelizaveta

(no subject)

from: majesticarky
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 05:06 am (UTC)
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heee love the satire. I have one of those lovely useless degrees. I think of it as a step towards a degree that actually does mean something!

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 07:32 pm (UTC)
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Undergrad in theatre, grad in creative writing, right here! :)

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Myrna

(no subject)

from: myrna_bird
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 02:30 pm (UTC)
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Give ‘em hell.
Yes! and do it with gusto! The world still needs the rebel-rousers, movers and shakers who are not afraid to take a stand!

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 07:32 pm (UTC)
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For sure!!

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drwex

AFAIK

from: drwex
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 03:28 pm (UTC)
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sonic booms don't happen in the troposphere. Atmosphere is too thin.

I'd have to look it up to be sure.

Anyway, the piece doesn't really work for me. It feels jumbled and jangled and like it's a one-line gag drawn out and out. Sorry.

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whipchick

Re: AFAIK

from: whipchick
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 07:33 pm (UTC)
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Yeah, maybe I need an even bigger preposterous thing to make it more satirical? Not every piece is a winner - thanks for being so specific about why this one wasn't for you! I really appreciate your reading.

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Desiree

(no subject)

from: x_disturbed_x
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 04:23 pm (UTC)
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Yes, give 'em hell indeed. :P

This had me chuckling and now I think it pretty good my wife was a liberal arts major.

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Jun. 11th, 2013 07:33 pm (UTC)
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Me too! Thanks :)

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tigrkittn

(no subject)

from: tigrkittn
date: Jun. 12th, 2013 12:06 am (UTC)
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Love how this turned out. Much fun! Also for your amusement, I read mesopause as menopause - but I'm a sheet and a half to the wind tonight so that might be to blame.

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Jun. 13th, 2013 04:40 pm (UTC)
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Thank you SO MUCH for all the beta help!!!!

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alycewilson

(no subject)

from: alycewilson
date: Jun. 12th, 2013 06:32 am (UTC)
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Ouch. Snap.

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Jun. 13th, 2013 04:40 pm (UTC)
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Thanks :)

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Kelly

(no subject)

from: kajel
date: Jun. 12th, 2013 04:38 pm (UTC)
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Now I want to know what miracle our illustrious liberal arts major is going to pull out of the ether! lol This was a lot of fun.

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Jun. 13th, 2013 04:40 pm (UTC)
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S/he is going to confuse the asteroid with a debate on Kant vs Hegel....

Thanks :)

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Jessica

(no subject)

from: kf4vkp
date: Jun. 12th, 2013 07:54 pm (UTC)
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I really liked reading this, though the end wasn't what I expected...

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Jun. 13th, 2013 04:40 pm (UTC)
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Thanks! What were you expecting?

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The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors

(no subject)

from: halfshellvenus
date: Jun. 12th, 2013 10:49 pm (UTC)
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Hahaha!

This was unexpected, and I like the fact that the Liberal Arts Major is "needed" for this assignment, but nobody knows exactly how.

Maybe the person will Persuasively Argue the asteroid into making a U-turn. :D

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Jun. 13th, 2013 04:41 pm (UTC)
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Love it!

Thank you :)

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n3m3sis43

(no subject)

from: n3m3sis43
date: Jun. 13th, 2013 01:26 am (UTC)
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Ahahahaha. This reminded me of those "Real Men of Genius" beer commercials, and also a lot of people on LiveJournal. ;-)

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Pika the Brazen Ninja

(no subject)

from: porn_this_way
date: Jun. 13th, 2013 05:52 am (UTC)
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THIS COMMENT EXACTLY.

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Pika the Brazen Ninja

(no subject)

from: porn_this_way
date: Jun. 13th, 2013 05:57 am (UTC)
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This was effing hilarious. I kind of want to print it out and hang it up on the walls at certain liberal arts schools that are so far up their own asses, then just hang back and wait for heads to explode. (Yes, I say this as someone who graduated from an artsy-fart college with what many would consider a total jerkoff degree. Which, honestly, just made the whole thing funnier, sort of simultaneously cringing and laughing my ass off as I read.)

But what we really need is someone with a conversational level of Central American Spanish, two semesters of Critical Thought and Analysis, and the ability to swing a ball peen hammer at a Habitat for Humanity Spring Break Build-a-Thon.

Especially this paragraph.

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Jun. 13th, 2013 04:41 pm (UTC)
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Thank you, and thank you for the beta help!!!!

Undergrad in Theatre, grad in Creative Writing, right here :)

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