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A Petition to the Urban Dictionary, from The Honorable Birsha, Mayor of Gomorrah

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Feb. 5th, 2016 | 01:46 pm

To Whom It May Concern:

First, let me say I admire the work you’re doing. The Urban Dictionary is truly a new classic. Great set-up you’ve got there, everyone wants to share their personal perversion. And yep, sodomy, sodomize, sodomite, and a whole list of variations show up right on top, so to speak. But gomorrah-ing? Gomorrah-ize? All trolls. There’s nothing official. Nothing that reflects our rich history as a city worthy of a scouring cataclysm.

But I’m not here to yak about crowd-sourcing while the internet burns with sin (good job!). I’m here to draw your attention to a member of a proud tradition of partners. Partners who happen to be named second. A tradition of places that don’t toot their own horns, and sometimes end up overlooked.

Have you ever noticed the Tampa Bay Rays play in St. Petersburg? Or how Prairie Home Companion can be blamed on St. Paul? That Slovakia is also a very nice place? As Sir Mix-a-Lot says, you need the L.A. face with the Oakland booty.

We’re not Frank Stallone, or Andrew Ridgeley, or the other Baldwins. We’re more like Mary-Kate and Ashley. We’re Ashley. It’s OK to always come second, we’re cool with that—it makes a good rhythm when you say it in Aramaic, Sodom and Gomorrah—but we’ve got our own interests too.

There’s room for two Gyllenhaals, I’m saying.

Sure, we didn’t have a Spearmint Rhino or a Banana Bar, but Gomorrah had its own unique attractions and a thriving farm-to-table movement. If you needed a cupcake bakery, or a craft brewery, it was a hop-skip-and-a-jump to Sodom with convenient donkey service. But there was an unpretentiousness to Gomorrah. An authenticity. For bright lights big fornication, sure, Sodomites could set you up! But for a friendly missionary poke at a price a working man could afford—well, it starts with Gee! and ends with Aaaaaahhhhh.

We didn’t cater to sploshing, or furries, or anything needing a hoist or special furniture, but there was no better place to take a fallen woman on a picnic before taking her behind a convenient sty. In Gomorrah you could rent a harlot you’d imagine meeting in a tavern after work and finding out her real name. Or pick up an adulteress you could hold a conversation with before stoning her. Duck down an alley with a bright young wanton you’d be embarrassed to—I’ll say it—sodomize.

Look, it’s Sodom and Gomorrah. God wiped us both out at the same time, give-or-take seven seconds of white-hot inferno and molten stone. The cities that perish in a fiery apocalypse together, cherish enduring as vulgar epithets together.

It’s time to put Gomorrah in her rightful place amid the debauchery of mankind. For those occasions after Taco Friday when sodomy is just too risky, or you haven’t had a shower yet, or it’s only the second date and her roommate’s still up watching a particularly disturbing episode of Game of Thrones, just do it the old-fashioned way. Tab A into Slot B. It’s time for Gomorrahmy.


___________________________________________________
My husband and I spent three hours building an IKEA sofa tonight. If only it were as simple as Tab A into Slot B...



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Comments {27}

Didn't want to be

(no subject)

from: anyonesghost
date: Feb. 5th, 2016 07:19 pm (UTC)
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Can I just say that I think the idea of Gomorrah's Farm to Table scene is brilliant? (And I can just imagine their former CSA: "Why buy the cow, when ...")

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Feb. 7th, 2016 07:22 am (UTC)
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OMG I love that idea! And thanks :)

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Pika the Brazen Ninja

(no subject)

from: porn_this_way
date: Feb. 5th, 2016 11:51 pm (UTC)
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For bright lights big fornication, sure, Sodomites could set you up! But for a friendly missionary poke at a price a working man could afford—well, it starts with Gee! and ends with Aaaaaahhhhh.

This needs to be on change.org and WeThePeople. Like, NOW.

LMAO. Damn. Literally! I would say I was laughing my ass off, but it seems your fine city has other plans for everyone's ass, so let's just say I was highly amused.

Now where can I pick up a travel brochure for the *ahem* business district??

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Feb. 7th, 2016 07:23 am (UTC)
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Thanks! so many anal plans...

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drwex

(no subject)

from: drwex
date: Feb. 9th, 2016 07:19 pm (UTC)
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O_O

I was going to say something smart in response, but instead I just think I'm going to name my next band "Anal Plans"

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blahblahblah, whatever

(no subject)

from: kathrynrose
date: Feb. 6th, 2016 05:04 am (UTC)
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it starts with Gee! and ends with Aaaaaahhhhh.

Brilliant!

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Feb. 7th, 2016 07:23 am (UTC)
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Thanks :)

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Teo Says

(no subject)

from: eternal_ot
date: Feb. 8th, 2016 12:04 pm (UTC)
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This is my favourite line too. And I agree with the 'brilliant'..;)

Edited at 2016-02-08 12:05 pm (UTC)

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rayaso

(no subject)

from: rayaso
date: Feb. 6th, 2016 06:28 pm (UTC)
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This was outstanding, and made me laugh! I enjoyed the humor, and the whole idea of the second placers.

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Feb. 7th, 2016 07:23 am (UTC)
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Thank you! I always go back and forth about which Gyllenhaal is the first one...

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inteus_mika

(no subject)

from: inteus_mika
date: Feb. 6th, 2016 06:41 pm (UTC)
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Not normally one to obsess on puns, but at the last line of this, my brain just randomly added, internally, "Would you like to see Gomorrahmy? Cause I'd like to see Gomorrayou." Terrible. Ridiculous. I have a headache now. But this was cute and clever, and fun. (My nauseating addition aside, that is.)

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blahblahblah, whatever

(no subject)

from: kathrynrose
date: Feb. 6th, 2016 10:23 pm (UTC)
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LOL!

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Feb. 7th, 2016 07:24 am (UTC)
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I love that - when I revise this, is it OK if I add it in? Thanks for reading!

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inteus_mika

(no subject)

from: inteus_mika
date: Feb. 7th, 2016 04:58 pm (UTC)
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Heh! Why not? If you don't find it too lowbrow / groan inducing (or maybe you do, but that's what makes it fun?), go for it! ;)

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kick_galvanic, zagzagael, skull_theatre

(no subject)

from: bleodswean
date: Feb. 6th, 2016 11:31 pm (UTC)
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gomorrahmy bwahahahahahaha!!! Soooooooooooo hip. And with all sharp, clever edges. Nice!

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Feb. 7th, 2016 07:24 am (UTC)
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Thank you!

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alycewilson

(no subject)

from: alycewilson
date: Feb. 7th, 2016 09:36 pm (UTC)
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You know, I never thought before about the fact that the name of this town didn't engender a term. Your mind works in the most fascinating ways. I'm a fan of the open letter form, as well.

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dmousey

(no subject)

from: dmousey
date: Feb. 8th, 2016 05:41 am (UTC)
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For bright lights big fornication, sure, Sodomites could set you up! But for a friendly missionary poke at a price a working man could afford—well, it starts with Gee! and ends with Aaaaaahhhhh.

This.... I peed myself at the immoral outrage!! gods this was funny! Peace dudette~~~D

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The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors

(no subject)

from: halfshellvenus
date: Feb. 8th, 2016 05:46 am (UTC)
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Haha-- the thought of being rankled by being the forgotten, equally doomed half of the pair cracked me up. Plus, the more "accessible" and affordable measure of Gomorrah's sins.

the other Baldwins
That is also how I think about them, to be honest. Always will.

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Teo Says

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from: eternal_ot
date: Feb. 8th, 2016 12:08 pm (UTC)
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This was HILARIOUS (period) Thanks for the laughs and I am still giggling..:D You sure have a way with words. Good going! Amazing write-up.

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Raised by Wolves

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from: sinnamongirl
date: Feb. 8th, 2016 06:08 pm (UTC)
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I'm sitting at my desk laughing out loud.

Thank god I work from home or my coworkers would be disturbed ;) Good job!!!!

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dee_aar2

(no subject)

from: dee_aar2
date: Feb. 8th, 2016 06:28 pm (UTC)
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You did not actually spend 3 hours building the IKEA Sofa !!!!

Gomorrahmy !!! I love your play with words. Always have. But this one is spunky ... really so ...

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prog_schlock

(no subject)

from: prog_schlock
date: Feb. 8th, 2016 08:05 pm (UTC)
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Ikea furniture construction is like anti-sex. Its the opposite of sex. And yet, it also feels so wonderfully sinful... a few weeks later after the trauma of building it has faded.

I feel for the city of Gomorrah, both because of how its been relegated to second place in history and also because it sounds a like like Gamera, enemy of Godzilla - Oh, enemy of God(zilla). Anyhow, its easy to forget it and its also easy to mistake it for a giant rubber monster. Totally unfair.

This songs seems sort of perfect for Gomorrah:

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misfitmanor

(no subject)

from: misfitmanor
date: Feb. 8th, 2016 09:58 pm (UTC)
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BWAAAAHHHH!!!!! I love it the most when you exercise your funnybone! XD

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Laura, aka "Ro Arwen"

(no subject)

from: roina_arwen
date: Feb. 8th, 2016 10:18 pm (UTC)
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Very fun!! Thanks for the laugh!

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drwex

I've always wondered what it was they did

from: drwex
date: Feb. 9th, 2016 07:21 pm (UTC)
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The Bible is frustratingly vague on this topic.

I am, however, pretty sure they had DJs - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjqSRQoxnhs

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Adam

(no subject)

from: spike20
date: Feb. 11th, 2016 07:07 pm (UTC)
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"you need the L.A. face with the Oakland booty"... thank you, I'm remember that phrase for some time ;)

On a side note, I've often thought of starting a side business assembling Ikea furniture for people. I'm good at it, quick, and enjoy it.

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