whipchick (whipchick) wrote,

Prepared For Takeoff

This theatrical monologue may be listened to here.


Our flight is very full, today, ladies and gentlemen, so please think twice about that carry-on—if there’s anything you can check, please bring it to the forward door of the aircraft and we will be happy to check it for you. If you do have carry-on items, please use the space underneath the seat in front of you before choosing the overhead compartments.

Or not.

The captain has just informed me that we have a ten-minute takeoff window available to us if we all sit down and stow our carry-ons right now. The next open take-off time is in approximately three hours and forty-six minutes, so we are going to ask that at this time you take your seats and make sure all carry-on luggage is securely stowed.

Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to check that. No, I’m afraid it clearly does not fit into the overhead compartment. Sir, your Business Class ticket does not entitle you to an entire overhead compartment. Sir, I’m afraid I can’t ask them to do that. Yes, I know you paid more than they did, but you do get a slightly wider seat and— I’m going to have to ask you to return to Business Class, Sir. Give me the bag! Drop it! Drop it! Now, sit!


Welcome to Northwest flight 19 with direct service from Minneapolis to Tokyo Narita. If you’re in First Class, your attendant is Greta, if you’re in Business Class, that’s Naoko, and here in Economy, that’s Susie back by row 28, and I’m your crew leader, Katy.

Our flight today will take approximately twelve hours and fifteen minutes. We will be showing one movie you’ve never heard of, subtitled in Korean, Bengali and Urdu, and one you’ve already seen along with an assortment of Seinfield re-runs, which you may listen to with the complimentary headphones provided by Northwest.

          [sound of call buttons]

If you cannot find your headphones, please check underneath you, as Greta, Naoko, Susie, and I spent one hour and twenty minutes preparing this aircraft before your arrival, including placing a set of headphones on every seat.

Yes, I thought so.

Now, I’m going to ask that you put down your newspapers, books, magazines, and knitting, take out the information card from the seat pocket in front of you, and follow along as we detail the safety features of this Boeing 757.

All of you.


32-B, just because you’re in the middle doesn’t mean I can’t see you!

That’s better.

There are eight emergency exits on this aircraft. Please take a moment to locate the exit nearest you, remembering that the closest exit may be behind you.

The closest exit may be behind you.

I do not see heads turning!

In the event the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Place the mask over your mouth and nose, secure by pulling on the straps, and breathe normally. If you’re traveling with small children, secure your own mask first and let the little beggars fend for themselves.

In the unlikely event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device.

Did you know that no commercial aircraft has ever made a water landing in one piece? That means the chances you’ll use your seat cushion are, well, none. However, if you do survive the impact—which is about the same as hitting a concrete parking lot—there may be a seat cushion floating near you. Place your arms through the straps and kick-paddle kick-paddle your way to shore. Which should only be about four hundred miles. In the event you reach the afterlife of your choice, there will be an entrance quiz on the safety features of this aircraft.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid the captain has just informed me that we have indeed missed the take-off window and we are now fifty-seventh in line for takeoff. Since we have pulled away from the terminal, we are going to ask that all passengers remain seated, with their seatbelts firmly fastened, for the approximately three hours and forty-one minutes remaining to takeoff. We’ll be distributing cookies, juice, and water, to only the passengers who can correctly identify the flight attendant serving them. People with more than one carry-on, children with video games that beep, and men who ask me if I want to join the Mile High Club will get nothing.

Thank you for flying with Northwest Airlines, and let me say that I’m especially pleased to be sharing this, my very last flight with Northwest, with such a lovely group of passengers. I will not be returning to Minneapolis with you, but instead will be joining the White Path Temple in Shiga Prefecture to begin my studies as a Buddhist nun.

Please remember, my vow of non-violence does not begin until we land in Tokyo.

Enjoy your flight!

whipchick is only 5000 miles from Platinum!

Tags: ljidol, playscript, travels
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