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Postcards from Shakespeare: A Literary Travesty in 11 Acts

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Dec. 16th, 2011 | 06:32 am

Having a great time in Denmark...scribbled down some ideas...what do you think?

Ghost: Boo!
Hamlet: Auggh!

Hamlet: Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
Gertrude: Son, college has made you so angsty. Maybe you should wear less black. And smile more, you're making Uncle Dad uncomfortable.

Hamlet: Slut!
Ophelia: [dies]
Hamlet: I was kidding!

Hamlet: Talk faster and don't wave your arms.
Player: One Intro to Drama for Non-Majors and now he's Stanislavsky?
Hamlet: Who's paying the bill here?
Player: Trippingly on the tongue, got it.

Player: [in mime] Murderer!
Claudius: This is worse than Cats. I'm outta here.

Gertrude: Perhaps we should do some family therapy.
Hamlet: Slut!
Gertrude: Young man, you are not too big for time-out!
Polonius: Good one!
Hamlet: How now, a rat!
Polonius: [dies]
Hamlet: Ooops! Wrong dude. Sorry...

Laertes: You killed my sister!
Hamlet: I was kidding!
Laertes: And Dad!
Hamlet: Curiosity killed the cat!
Laertes: Gotcha!
Hamlet: Gotcha!
Gertrude: Urrgrgrgrrr...
Claudius: Crap!

[all die]

Horatio: [enters] It was pizza and the King of Norway--did I miss anything?

* * *


Egypt fabulous but too many tourists...line at the Sphinx was hours!

Antony: Why did we kill Caesar? Why does Pompey now threaten Rome? How come everyone else's name ends in "-us"?
Brutus: Don't look at me, man.
Lepidus: Not my issue.

Cleopatra: The Romans are coming! Fortunately, you're the world's greatest infantry tactician!
Antony: Let's do this one by sea. Can I borrow your navy?

Cleopatra: Well, that sucked. Tell him I'm dead.
Servant: Madam, Antony has slain himself.
Cleopatra: Kidding! I was kidding!
Servant: Coffee, tea, asp?

[all die]

* * *


Venetian canals beautiful, but I keep picturing the city sliding under the sea--my overactive imagination again!

Antonio: You know how I've always called you a big-nosed, greedy, political-dialogue-dominator?
Shylock: Uh-huh.
Antonio: And how I always make a point of coming by in my jacket with the swastika patches?
Shylock: I've noticed.
Antonio: And tell you the joke about how my grandfather also died in Auschwitz, falling off a tower?
Shylock: Don't remind me.
Antonio: Now I need money.

Portia: You know, if a man wanted to marry me, he might find himself lead to pick one of these caskets. His natural leadership would come through in a dull, heavy, almost leaden way. He certainly wouldn't be misled.
Bassiano: Hmmm...gold, silver, or lead...which one should I pick? I'm so confused.

Portia: No-one will guess I'm a girl if I wear this hat!
Nerissa: I have a fake moustache!
Portia: What are you, Magnum P.I.?

Shylock: I feel bad, son, but my hands are tied. Do you think your ass is going to be kosher?
Portia: I've found a loophole! And you have to convert.
Shylock: At least there'll be bacon.
All: Mmmm...bacon...

[all marry]

* * *


Found a great place for a writers' retreat. Perhaps Kit Marlowe and Eddie de Vere would split a cottage with us next summer?

Celia: I love wrestling!
Rosalind: I love that wrestler!
Duke: You're all banished!
Celia: Daddy, you're such a grump.

Rosalind: No-one will guess I'm a girl if I wear this hat! Call me Ganymede!
Celia: No-one will guess I'm the Duke's daughter if I change my name! Call me Aliena!
Rosalind: What are you, Battlestar Galactica: Forest of Arden?

Silvius: Phoebe, m-my love!
Phoebe: Who's that hot new boy?
Rosalind: Oops.

Jacques: All the world's a stage and the men and women merely players. Wear drag! Buy a sheep farm! Life's too short. (too much message?)

Celia: Oliver, I love you!
Rosalind: Orlando, I love you! And I'm a girl!
Phoebe: Well, shit.
Silvius: Phoebe...I choo-choo-choose you!

[all marry]

* * *


Many interesting historical sites in Rome...

Martius: So wait--I single-handedly defeat the Volscians of Corioli, and the best victory name you can give me is "Coriolanus"?

* * *


What of an epic miniseries set in England?

Prologue

French Ambassador: Please accept this gift.
Prince Hal: Tennis balls? Really?
French Ambassador: Je suis kidding!
Prince Hal: Call me Henry! And let's fight! Go Team!!
All: Woohoo!

[all marry]

Part One

Joan of Arc: Let's fight!
Prince Henry: I'm so confused!

Richard: If you're with York, wear this white rose!
Somerset: No, Lancaster! Red roses!
Prince Henry: Wait...what?

[most die]

Part Two

Eleanor: Demons!
Margaret: Witchcraft!
Suffolk: Pirates! (I hear pirates are in)
Richard: Let's fight!
Prince Henry: Go Team!
Richard: That part where I said I was on your side?
Prince Henry: Yes, Richard?
Richard: I was kidding.

[most die]

Part Three

Now-King Henry: Richard, you've brought in an army to kill me and wipe out my entire bloodline, but let's let bygones be bygones.
Queen Margaret: Henry, dear, are you fucked?
Richard: I'll get you, my pretty, and your Prince of Wales, too!

[all marry]

Richard: I'm going to kill you now, Your Majesty.
King Henry: I wish I could quit you.

[Richard twirls moustache, grows hump. All die.]

* * *


Almost as lovely as Venice, but Verona's totally unspoilt!

Juliet: I'm a virgin.
Romeo: Not anymore.

Mercutio: I was in the International House of Pancakes, but it wasn't the House of Pancakes, it was a beach, and I could fly, and then this chick with wings was there and we all went for a carriage ride. And you were there...and you were there...and you were there, too, Toto!

Friar Laurence: The Royal Mail, she ain't what she used to be.
Juliet: I should have had a tetanus shot!

[all die]

* * *


Two Noble Kinsmen walk into a bar.

I need a punchline...


* * *


So many parents with children on their trips...maybe a family saga? It could be the next On Golden Pond!

Regan: Daddy, I'll give you a pony!
Goneril: Daddy, I'll give you a Barbie!
Cordelia: There's no Santa Claus.
Lear: Young lady, you are on time-out!

Edmund: Stand up for bastards!
Fool: Ha-Hah! You said "bastard"!

Regan: Daddy's a fruitcake.
Goneril: And he keeps leaving the seat up.
Lear: How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child.
[daughters roll eyes]
Regan: You are so annoying, Daddy. You make me want to gouge out someone's eyes.
Lear: Maybe Cordelia wasn't so bad.
Goneril: Sure, take Miss Priss's side. You always loved her best.
Lear: You're right.

[all die]

* * *


It's not just the pastries that draw me back to Vienna...

Duke Angelo: No more porn! Or premarital sex!
Claudio: Oops.

Duke Angelo: I'll spare your brother's life if you give it up to me.
Isabella: Excuse me, have you noticed? I'm a nun?
Duke Angelo: That's what makes it so hot, baby.

Isabella: And then he asked me to sleep with him!
Claudio: You're gonna do it, right?

Isabella: You're an asshole!
Duke Angelo: Let's get married!

[end of play] No, really--end of play. Don't you love cliffhangers?

* * *


Kit was telling me the money is in musicals now--what do you think? Right now, this is to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies, so I'll need someone for the score...

Folks here's a story 'bout a man named Mac,
A mild-mannered guy, but his wife was on his back.
One day he met some witches, told him quite a spooky thing,
And that's when he decided he was gonna kill the king.

Murder, that is. Regicide.

Macbeth was all excited to do the evil deed,
And when he'd gone and done it, he sat down for a feed.
But spirits started showin' up and sayin' "You're a putz!"
And his bitchy lady wife, well she started goin' nuts.

Sleepwalking, that is. Seeing spots.

Macbeth just wasn't happy, now that he was the king
His conscience wouldn't let him sleep for such an evil thing.
The forest came against him, he knew that he was whipped,
And he was beaten by Macduff, who was untimely ripped.

Caesarian, that is. Very painful.

Y'all come back to Scotland, y'hear?

* * *

Feels like the trip is hardly begun and now it's done. See you in London, Lizzie!

xoxo
Will




After 14 hours in the air plus a 12-hour layover, whipchick landed in Mumbai, where the wifi is down...indefinitely...the LAN cable is broken, and the guest house lobby shut down at midnight. It's 5:30AM here, and she's retyping from her laptop into the lobby computer and hoping she counted the time zones right. LJ Idol--you're worth it!


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Comments {68}

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tigrkittn

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from: tigrkittn
date: Dec. 16th, 2011 02:15 am (UTC)
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Dying of laughter over here. Brilliant with a capital B. You rock from any and all time zones. Now get some sleep!

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 18th, 2011 02:03 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! I'm so glad it made you laugh :) I'm still mystified by the people showing up at your door and claiming to be relatives!

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horosha

(no subject)

from: horosha
date: Dec. 16th, 2011 03:19 am (UTC)
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This is the best entry I've read all season.

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 18th, 2011 02:03 pm (UTC)
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Wow, thank you :) What a wonderful compliment - you made my day!

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Jess

(no subject)

from: mymisguided
date: Dec. 16th, 2011 04:04 am (UTC)
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Hilarious! =D

Enjoy your trip!

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 18th, 2011 02:03 pm (UTC)
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Thank you!

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Andrea Blythe

(no subject)

from: blythe025
date: Dec. 16th, 2011 08:38 pm (UTC)
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This is fucking brilliant! Why are you so awesome? AND versatile in your writing? AND funny? AND creative?

How can I compete, damnit?!

*dies dramatically in an appropriately Shakespearean manner*

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 18th, 2011 02:04 pm (UTC)
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We should start a mutual admiration society. We could have cool t-shirts!

Thanks :)

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Shadow Wolf Byrd

(no subject)

from: shadowwolf13
date: Dec. 16th, 2011 08:44 pm (UTC)
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<3

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 18th, 2011 02:05 pm (UTC)
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Thank you!

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la, zeitgeist!

(no subject)

from: zeitgeistic
date: Dec. 16th, 2011 11:02 pm (UTC)
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Ha! I'm not familiar with all the stories, but I knew enough of them to lol at your interpretations.

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 18th, 2011 02:05 pm (UTC)
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Thanks - I was hoping they would still come through!

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shimmerdream

(no subject)

from: shimmerdream
date: Dec. 17th, 2011 12:35 am (UTC)
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I love it! I wish they'd taught Shakespeare like this in school.

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 18th, 2011 02:06 pm (UTC)
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Thanks! I've actually written a couple of one-act spoofs of Shakespeare plays that are taught side-by-side with the originals sometimes to make them easier to understand :)

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rt_sparrow

(no subject)

from: rt_sparrow
date: Dec. 17th, 2011 12:56 am (UTC)
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omigod!

I have not laughed that hard in a long time. :P

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 18th, 2011 02:07 pm (UTC)
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Thank you - glad I could make you laugh! Still laughing at yours, too :)

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dblicher

(no subject)

from: dblicher
date: Dec. 17th, 2011 02:29 am (UTC)
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I will never listen to the Beverly Hillbillies theme song the same way again. This is utterly awesome! I'll be giggling for days. :-) Bless those long flights and layovers, eh?

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 18th, 2011 02:07 pm (UTC)
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TOTALLY. And also when I realized it would not work to try and do all 37...

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yuniebaby

(no subject)

from: yuniebaby
date: Dec. 17th, 2011 03:55 am (UTC)
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This is made of awesome! I all kinds of love it. ^_^

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 18th, 2011 02:08 pm (UTC)
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Thank you!!!

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jacq22

(no subject)

from: jacq22
date: Dec. 17th, 2011 05:16 am (UTC)
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Brilliant, most of the lines hit me where my funny bone was. How do you do it from such far flung places?

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 18th, 2011 06:48 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! It helped that I had a looooong flight - this week was tough, because my beta told me my first idea was lame, and he was right :) And I think part of it is that it's so amazing to be part of this community, and I want to work as hard as everyone else is!

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Kristen

(no subject)

from: pixiebelle
date: Dec. 17th, 2011 06:35 am (UTC)
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Haha really seriously funny. Very creative too. Geez, where do you come up with these ideas?!?

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 18th, 2011 02:09 pm (UTC)
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Thanks! I liked Gary's point about literary travesties, and i was trying to figure out a way to spoof all 37 plays and then realized that was impossible in the time I had and the space people would read - so, postcards :) And the Lizzie thing happened accidentally when I was writing. Reading yours later today and looking forward to it - and totally creeped out by the little I read of Java_fiend's - explanation in comment :)

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Athelas K. Weed

(no subject)

from: malinaldarose
date: Dec. 17th, 2011 07:56 pm (UTC)
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Um...you win? Yes, I think you do.

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 18th, 2011 02:10 pm (UTC)
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Aw, shucks :) and thank you for the compliment and also for the pleasure of reading your awesome piece!

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C.S. Inkheart

(no subject)

from: frecklestars
date: Dec. 18th, 2011 05:24 pm (UTC)
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Wonderfully creative! I enjoyed this greatly, and am doubly impressed that you managed to churn all this out and post it from a place where the wifi is always broken. ;) Well done!

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 21st, 2011 08:02 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! We finally got LAN back two days later, so I'm glad I'm able to read everyone this week - there's some good stuff!

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Myrna

(no subject)

from: myrna_bird
date: Dec. 19th, 2011 04:30 pm (UTC)
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Cabin pressure certainly did not affect your brain in a negative way.

This was SO clever and witty. So many perfect punchlines!

I loved it and je suis NOT kidding!!!!

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whipchick

(no subject)

from: whipchick
date: Dec. 21st, 2011 08:03 pm (UTC)
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Merci beaucoup and shukria!

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