whipchick (whipchick) wrote,
whipchick
whipchick

Postcards from Shakespeare: A Literary Travesty in 11 Acts

Having a great time in Denmark...scribbled down some ideas...what do you think?

Ghost: Boo!
Hamlet: Auggh!

Hamlet: Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
Gertrude: Son, college has made you so angsty. Maybe you should wear less black. And smile more, you're making Uncle Dad uncomfortable.

Hamlet: Slut!
Ophelia: [dies]
Hamlet: I was kidding!

Hamlet: Talk faster and don't wave your arms.
Player: One Intro to Drama for Non-Majors and now he's Stanislavsky?
Hamlet: Who's paying the bill here?
Player: Trippingly on the tongue, got it.

Player: [in mime] Murderer!
Claudius: This is worse than Cats. I'm outta here.

Gertrude: Perhaps we should do some family therapy.
Hamlet: Slut!
Gertrude: Young man, you are not too big for time-out!
Polonius: Good one!
Hamlet: How now, a rat!
Polonius: [dies]
Hamlet: Ooops! Wrong dude. Sorry...

Laertes: You killed my sister!
Hamlet: I was kidding!
Laertes: And Dad!
Hamlet: Curiosity killed the cat!
Laertes: Gotcha!
Hamlet: Gotcha!
Gertrude: Urrgrgrgrrr...
Claudius: Crap!

[all die]

Horatio: [enters] It was pizza and the King of Norway--did I miss anything?

* * *


Egypt fabulous but too many tourists...line at the Sphinx was hours!

Antony: Why did we kill Caesar? Why does Pompey now threaten Rome? How come everyone else's name ends in "-us"?
Brutus: Don't look at me, man.
Lepidus: Not my issue.

Cleopatra: The Romans are coming! Fortunately, you're the world's greatest infantry tactician!
Antony: Let's do this one by sea. Can I borrow your navy?

Cleopatra: Well, that sucked. Tell him I'm dead.
Servant: Madam, Antony has slain himself.
Cleopatra: Kidding! I was kidding!
Servant: Coffee, tea, asp?

[all die]

* * *


Venetian canals beautiful, but I keep picturing the city sliding under the sea--my overactive imagination again!

Antonio: You know how I've always called you a big-nosed, greedy, political-dialogue-dominator?
Shylock: Uh-huh.
Antonio: And how I always make a point of coming by in my jacket with the swastika patches?
Shylock: I've noticed.
Antonio: And tell you the joke about how my grandfather also died in Auschwitz, falling off a tower?
Shylock: Don't remind me.
Antonio: Now I need money.

Portia: You know, if a man wanted to marry me, he might find himself lead to pick one of these caskets. His natural leadership would come through in a dull, heavy, almost leaden way. He certainly wouldn't be misled.
Bassiano: Hmmm...gold, silver, or lead...which one should I pick? I'm so confused.

Portia: No-one will guess I'm a girl if I wear this hat!
Nerissa: I have a fake moustache!
Portia: What are you, Magnum P.I.?

Shylock: I feel bad, son, but my hands are tied. Do you think your ass is going to be kosher?
Portia: I've found a loophole! And you have to convert.
Shylock: At least there'll be bacon.
All: Mmmm...bacon...

[all marry]

* * *


Found a great place for a writers' retreat. Perhaps Kit Marlowe and Eddie de Vere would split a cottage with us next summer?

Celia: I love wrestling!
Rosalind: I love that wrestler!
Duke: You're all banished!
Celia: Daddy, you're such a grump.

Rosalind: No-one will guess I'm a girl if I wear this hat! Call me Ganymede!
Celia: No-one will guess I'm the Duke's daughter if I change my name! Call me Aliena!
Rosalind: What are you, Battlestar Galactica: Forest of Arden?

Silvius: Phoebe, m-my love!
Phoebe: Who's that hot new boy?
Rosalind: Oops.

Jacques: All the world's a stage and the men and women merely players. Wear drag! Buy a sheep farm! Life's too short. (too much message?)

Celia: Oliver, I love you!
Rosalind: Orlando, I love you! And I'm a girl!
Phoebe: Well, shit.
Silvius: Phoebe...I choo-choo-choose you!

[all marry]

* * *


Many interesting historical sites in Rome...

Martius: So wait--I single-handedly defeat the Volscians of Corioli, and the best victory name you can give me is "Coriolanus"?

* * *


What of an epic miniseries set in England?

Prologue

French Ambassador: Please accept this gift.
Prince Hal: Tennis balls? Really?
French Ambassador: Je suis kidding!
Prince Hal: Call me Henry! And let's fight! Go Team!!
All: Woohoo!

[all marry]

Part One

Joan of Arc: Let's fight!
Prince Henry: I'm so confused!

Richard: If you're with York, wear this white rose!
Somerset: No, Lancaster! Red roses!
Prince Henry: Wait...what?

[most die]

Part Two

Eleanor: Demons!
Margaret: Witchcraft!
Suffolk: Pirates! (I hear pirates are in)
Richard: Let's fight!
Prince Henry: Go Team!
Richard: That part where I said I was on your side?
Prince Henry: Yes, Richard?
Richard: I was kidding.

[most die]

Part Three

Now-King Henry: Richard, you've brought in an army to kill me and wipe out my entire bloodline, but let's let bygones be bygones.
Queen Margaret: Henry, dear, are you fucked?
Richard: I'll get you, my pretty, and your Prince of Wales, too!

[all marry]

Richard: I'm going to kill you now, Your Majesty.
King Henry: I wish I could quit you.

[Richard twirls moustache, grows hump. All die.]

* * *


Almost as lovely as Venice, but Verona's totally unspoilt!

Juliet: I'm a virgin.
Romeo: Not anymore.

Mercutio: I was in the International House of Pancakes, but it wasn't the House of Pancakes, it was a beach, and I could fly, and then this chick with wings was there and we all went for a carriage ride. And you were there...and you were there...and you were there, too, Toto!

Friar Laurence: The Royal Mail, she ain't what she used to be.
Juliet: I should have had a tetanus shot!

[all die]

* * *


Two Noble Kinsmen walk into a bar.

I need a punchline...


* * *


So many parents with children on their trips...maybe a family saga? It could be the next On Golden Pond!

Regan: Daddy, I'll give you a pony!
Goneril: Daddy, I'll give you a Barbie!
Cordelia: There's no Santa Claus.
Lear: Young lady, you are on time-out!

Edmund: Stand up for bastards!
Fool: Ha-Hah! You said "bastard"!

Regan: Daddy's a fruitcake.
Goneril: And he keeps leaving the seat up.
Lear: How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child.
[daughters roll eyes]
Regan: You are so annoying, Daddy. You make me want to gouge out someone's eyes.
Lear: Maybe Cordelia wasn't so bad.
Goneril: Sure, take Miss Priss's side. You always loved her best.
Lear: You're right.

[all die]

* * *


It's not just the pastries that draw me back to Vienna...

Duke Angelo: No more porn! Or premarital sex!
Claudio: Oops.

Duke Angelo: I'll spare your brother's life if you give it up to me.
Isabella: Excuse me, have you noticed? I'm a nun?
Duke Angelo: That's what makes it so hot, baby.

Isabella: And then he asked me to sleep with him!
Claudio: You're gonna do it, right?

Isabella: You're an asshole!
Duke Angelo: Let's get married!

[end of play] No, really--end of play. Don't you love cliffhangers?

* * *


Kit was telling me the money is in musicals now--what do you think? Right now, this is to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies, so I'll need someone for the score...

Folks here's a story 'bout a man named Mac,
A mild-mannered guy, but his wife was on his back.
One day he met some witches, told him quite a spooky thing,
And that's when he decided he was gonna kill the king.

Murder, that is. Regicide.

Macbeth was all excited to do the evil deed,
And when he'd gone and done it, he sat down for a feed.
But spirits started showin' up and sayin' "You're a putz!"
And his bitchy lady wife, well she started goin' nuts.

Sleepwalking, that is. Seeing spots.

Macbeth just wasn't happy, now that he was the king
His conscience wouldn't let him sleep for such an evil thing.
The forest came against him, he knew that he was whipped,
And he was beaten by Macduff, who was untimely ripped.

Caesarian, that is. Very painful.

Y'all come back to Scotland, y'hear?

* * *

Feels like the trip is hardly begun and now it's done. See you in London, Lizzie!

xoxo
Will




After 14 hours in the air plus a 12-hour layover, whipchick landed in Mumbai, where the wifi is down...indefinitely...the LAN cable is broken, and the guest house lobby shut down at midnight. It's 5:30AM here, and she's retyping from her laptop into the lobby computer and hoping she counted the time zones right. LJ Idol--you're worth it!


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